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Top 20 Things About Autumn

Written by Kristen, in the column, Lists, on 08/28/12
20. The cool weather
19. Starting school with fresh supplies and clean notebooks
18. Sleeping with the window open and feeling the crisp breeze
17. Two words: Fall. Fashion.
16. Hot tea at night
15. Carving pumpkins
14. Trick-or-Treating
13. Stressing about which Halloween costume to wear
12. Jumping in piles of leaves
11. The smell of freshly cooked pie
10. Candy corn
9. Haunted Houses
8. Getting lost in corn mazes
7. Stepping on crunchy leaves as you walk
6. New seasons of all your favorite TV shows
5. Apple cider
4. Being prematurely excited for the winter holidays
3. Cuddling (even if it's just with a stuffed animal)
2. Fall nights with your best friends
And, the number one thing about autumn is...
1. Spending Thanksgiving with all your family (:
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"Moofall" by playtomo - Blackberry App World

Written by cooljonah16, in the column, Entertainment, on 08/18/12
As the owner of a Blackberry smartphone, I can't say that its an easy task looking for fun game apps to download, especially when compared to the iPhone or Android phones. This is to be expected, of course, as the Blackberry is typically more of a work and business phone. Still, it's always nice to have a bunch of good mobile games on hand to sit back and play when you really have nothing else to do.

That's why I love playtomo, which is -- in my opinion -- one of the best apps available in the App World. Playtomo is a collection of more than two dozen mobile games, with each one offering a great deal of fun, whether it's an original idea or a remake of a classic (like 'Lines', which is a remake of Tetris).

The game I'm talking about in this article is called Moofall, which is playtomo's latest release and definitely an original idea, because I don't think I've seen anything like it. You play as a cute little cow who is standing on a farm, doing nothing in particular...until a few UFOs fill the sky and start sucking up anything and everything, from livestock to trees to pieces of the ground. Of course, the piece of ground that the cow is standing on gets lifted up, and this is where the game (and the fun) begins.

The player swipes the trackpad to move the cow left and right as attempts to hop down from floating object to floating object in order to avoid being sucked in by the UFO. The player must be careful, though; at the bottom are electrical lines that will cook the cow to a crisp as soon as he touches them. There really is no happy ending to this story; eventually, the cow is either abducted or electrocuted. But that's alright because all you care about is getting a highscore.

I'm no pro at this game myself, but I do have a couple of tips to share. First of all, if you really want to rack up a lot of points, your best bet is to ride a sheep. Just hop onto one whenever you can, avoid being hit by any objects, and maybe grab a few vegetables that float into your reach. My second tip: If you're on an object moving upwards and you can't see any other objects below you, wait until you're almost at the UFO and then jump. You won't always be saved, but there will most likely be something below that you'll manage to land on.

Overall, I give this game a good 4/5 rating. If you currently have a Blackberry or you are planning on getting one in the future, I would recommend you try out Moofall and the rest of the games that playtomo has to offer -- it's a free app and you won't regret it!
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"Rival" column completely fabricates facts

Written by Thomas, in the column, The News, on 08/16/12
There has been a lot of uproar recently about the second news column on this magazine, with many disputing whether two columns with the same name are unhealthy.

Earlier today magazine user MaxF, who had stolen fantastically original idea from user Thomas, was revealed to be making the content of his news up.
"I don't have time to research real news; I'm just too busy writing Twilight fan-fiction." Said magazine cheekyman pilferer MaxF. When asked whether the quotes he'd used in his news stories were genuine MaxF replied simply "I am HIV positive."
"I'm too sexy for my shirt" He later said to our interviewer "So sexy it hurts" he continued. He then began to dance, and removed the shirt he deemed so insufficient.

Original news reporter and clever bloke Thomas could not be reached for comment, but a reliable source quotes him as saying "I've lost all my faith in humanity, it's truly a tragedy. I shudder to think of what sort of conniving hobbyhorse could possibly have the audacity to rip off my very own column! Do I plan to take action? Yes. Yes I do."

Between the previous paragraph and this one we reached Thomas for comment, he said "Hello".

The public are in conflict about the existence and scandalousness of the second column.
"It's not like a second column is hurting anyone" Said public randomer Thomas Sylvester
"It could confuse tourists and the elderly to have two different columns of the same name." Said complete stranger Thomas Sylvester
"If Thomas wanted the column all to himself, he should have given it a less generic title." Said casual passerby Thomas Sylvester
"Max and Thomas are both pretty witty guys, there is no reason they can't share the article." Said nearby busybody Thomas Sylvester.
"Who the hell cares?" Said open minded anti-piracy frog Thomas Sylvester.
"A man walks into an online doctor's office and says "Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." And the doctor says "I am pretty sure you have cancer."" Said man who had made a joke up and had no other place to share it Thomas Sylvester.

Do you have an opinion? Did MaxF's lack of asking your opinions hurt your feelings? How do you feel today?
If the answer to any of those questions is "Yeah baby!", E-mail us at cheerfularteries@zimbabwepygmys.com
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Popular Internet Magazine Column Ripped Off

Written by MaxF, in the column, The News, on 08/16/12
One of the most popular columns of "It's A Magazine" - one of the most popular internet magazines - has been ripped off! What column, you ask? Why, none other than "The News" - a column published under the pseudonym, "Thomas."

A cheap imitation of this column has been now been released under the exact same name, but written under a different pseudonym.

Most readers of "It's A Magazine" recognize "The News" by it's signature style: articles consisting of satirical, witty news reports. However, the cheap imitation seems to be emulating said style. Needless to say, "Thomas" is none too pleased.

"I've lost all my faith in humanity," said the writer of the original column, which has been ripped off, "It's truly a tragedy. I shudder to think of what sort of conniving hobbyhorse could possibly have the audacity to rip off my very own column! Do I plan to take action? Yes. Yes I do."

On that ominous note, the internet guru made his exit without so much as a tip of his coonskin cap.

"It truly is a shame," said The Captain of the Magazine, "I plan on hiring the world's top experts in the field of Internet Magazine Column Rip-Offage to help me solve this troubling issue."

"Bearing this occurrence in mind, I can't say I'm too optimistic about the future of the internet," said Ford Chan, the current Chairman of the Internet, "an internet in which the articles of 'Thomas' are ripped off, is not the sort of internet I had in mind when I was elected Chairman of the Internet, those many years ago."

What a conundrum!
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Universe shrinks - Causes a stir

Written by Thomas, in the column, The News, on 08/16/12
Everything in the universe is now five eighths the size that it was just four days ago.

The public are in shock this week as it has come to light that in the last 4 days everything is smaller. Every single item in the entire universe has somehow shrunk to roughly 63% of the size it previously was.

The first person to observe the change was supernatural occurrence expert Professor Hercule Satan. Professor Satan published a video on well known video sharing website GlueTube. In the video he shows an interesting set of graphs, which look very professional and interesting, easily convincing many that he must be right. The video has spread throughout the world wide internet and become become a GlueTube sensation.

Shrunk items have included ATM machines, cats, bookshelves, tires, eye lashes, and many other items such as everything else in the world. Distance and size measuring devices have also been shrunk, which made this news story very difficult to verify, but from the overwhelming number of serious looking graphs in Professor Satan's GlueTube video, it is safe to assume he is correct and has done sufficient research.

Many groups have gotten together to discus the cause of the bizarre and life changing resizing of things.
"God did it." Said a representative of many of the worlds theist faiths.
"The universe is changing to increase the proportionality of our inner energies." Said a representative of various sorts of spiritual belief systems.
"It's a government conspiracy to deter people from trying to go into space, so they don't find out there is no moon." Said a credible conspiracy theorist.
"Alien spirits ate a bunch of stuff so that space Hitler wouldn't come back." Said Scientology.
"We don't know just at the moment, we're approaching the situation with facts and real science, so it might take a while." Said the atheist community.

This looks like bad news for the atheist beliefs, as many other groups are agreeing that not having an answer for everything must mean that everything you believe is wrong.
At this time Atheism is on the verge of being discounted as a legitimate belief system.

We'd love to know your opinions on the matter, have you been affected by the shrinking of the universe or do you know someone who has? What do you think is the cause of the shrinking? Should people be allowed to follow a belief system that doesn't claim to know everything immediately after it happens? Would anyone really mind if atheists were put to death?
E-mail us your thoughts at illegitimatenews@yaglue.com
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Some Upcoming Albums

Written by MaxF, in the column, Entertainment, on 08/14/12
These are some upcoming albums which I look forward to hearing:

The Vaccines' second album, "Come of Age" shall be released on September 3rd. I thought that their debut album, "What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?" was totally and utterly awesome, so I look forward to hearing this new album. So far two singles, "No Hope" and "Teenage Icon" have been released from this album, both of which, I thought, were super duper.

"Uno", the first album of Green Day's upcoming album trilogy ("Uno", "Dos", "Tre"), shall be released on September 25th. I wasn't a huge fan of "21st Century Breakdown" (Green Day's most recent album), but I have been very fond of Green Day in the past. I look forward to hearing this album, from which one very swell single has been released; the single is titled "Oh Love."

British folkers, Mumford and Sons plan to release their second album, "Babel" on September 25th. Say, that's exciting! Green Day's "Uno" is also going to be released on that date! Small world. So for Mumford and Sons have released one single from Babel. This single, "I Will Wait" sounds pretty good to me, but not as good as some of my favorite songs from Mumford and Sons first album, "Sigh No More." I look forward to hearing the album nonetheless!

Well, that's all for now!
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Introducing Comment Notifications!

Written by Captain, in the column, Site News, on 08/13/12
Hello, this is your Captain speaking.

You'll now be notified when there is a new comment on one of your articles.

Hooray!

Sincerely,
The Captain
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Wednesday the Second

Written by Ash, in the column, Ashs Advice., on 08/08/12
This week, no one has needed any advice which is awesome for the lot of you lucky people who know just what you're doing with your lives, a little less awesome for my advice column. Have no fear. As nobody has sent me a particular problem this week (remember guys, if you have a problem email me at ashbashcrashed@hotmail.co.uk using the subject "Advice"!), instead I will give all of you a list of five pieces of advice which I have found useful, and hopefully you will too.
1. There's no such thing as a free lunch. if something appears to be too good to be true, it usually is. If someone is offering you something for free, then don't just take their word for it or be taken in by the promise of whatever it is they're selling. Always be cautious and you should avoid most people who might be trying to con you.
2. Red Bull doesn't give you wings.
3. If someone says "I love you too" check that they aren't actually saying "I love U2" because there is a big difference and this can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings.
4. Don't pay attention to horoscopes, because they're nearly always wrong, and if it is right it's a freak coincidence.
5. Always look on the bright side of life.
So, that's this Wednesday's dose of advice for you. I'll either have an answer to another problem or another five pieces of advice for next week ready and waiting! Hope you all enjoyed, don't forget to comment.

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Public unrest as dragons return to life

Written by Thomas, in the column, The News, on 08/07/12

The citizens of the Province of Skyrim are protesting the resurrection of the dragon.

The people of Tamriel having long considered Dragons extinct are overcome with bemusement this week as reports of Dragon activity in Skyrim circulates.
The overall reaction from Skyrim is one of apprehension; the citizens have made quite clear that the dragons won't be welcome in their towns or settlements.

Whilst the majority of citizens have taken an attitude of overall disdain, many have actively taken it upon themselves to hassle the dragons as they go about their daily business.
"The only way forward is to murder them, steal their souls and sell their bones and skin." Said a disgruntled death row pardonee. The gentleman was seconds from being decapitated for almost no legitimate reason when one of the dragons came from nowhere and began to shout at the Helgen town guard. The dragon disruption put a rather large figurative spanner in the figurative works of the executions scheduled that day. Among them was the Jarl of Windhelm, Ulfric Stromcloak, who could not be reached for comment.

The man, who escaped the now desolate town of Helgen wouldn't give his name, but asked that we refer to him as Dovahkiin, has since taken it upon himself to murder many of the troublesome dragons.
"The dragons cause a lot of inconvenient destruction to people and property with their shouting [...] I have since learned the way of the shout and will use it to rid the world of dragons and also for my own personal gain however I see fit."

Much of Skyrim is supporting the Dovahkiin with many of the famous factions of the province even promoting him to their leader in a very short space of time, due to the ill timed death of each of their previous leaders.
"Some may call him junk, me I call him a treasure." Said a local shopkeeper.
"His knees are much more resilient than many of our town guard, so he makes the perfect man for the job." Said someone else.
"No lollygagging" Said a guard.

The people from the other provinces have mixed opinions about the latest dragon phenomenon.
"It would be really nice if the dragons conveniently stayed in Skyrim, in spite of their ability to fly and kill most people who try to stop them." Said a citizen of Morrowind.
"Could be worse, it could be the gates of HELL!" Said someone from Cyrodil
"Hello, I am a Khajiit, aren't I fucking adorable?" Said a resident of Elsewhere*

We'd like to hear your thoughts on the situation if you have any, what do you think should be done about the dragons? And what about this Dovahkiin?
E-mail us at news@blackhorsecourier.cyr with your thoughts and ideas.


*Elsweyr
+3

Deja Vu: An experiment gone wrong?

Written by Serg, in the column, Observations, on 08/05/12
Through countless hours of thinking to myself, I've made a theory as to what Deja vu REALLY is (which of course I find out later is unoriginal and has been thought up many times before). Some say it's just the result of your eyes processing things slower than your mind, but I know what's REALLY going on.
In the future, there will be a frenzy of inventions that people in our generation can only dream about. Flying cars, robots that have synthetic feelings, hover boards, and impenetrable laser walls are all amazing, but none of these inventions will compare to the time machine. Scientists and engineers will create the invention of millennium and have successful trial runs of 5 minutes up to an hour. One day they will have a public showcase and attempt to send everyone in the audience back 30 minutes. This time machine doesn't work as predicted, and instead of sending JUST the people in the immediate area back, it reverses all of space. Something will go wrong on that day, and will turn back everything to the beginning of time. Unable to go back any further, time goes forward at normal pace, and history repeats itself from the start. Kind of like rewinding a vhs tape. Everything happens exactly like it did the first time, and we are forced to relive our lives over and over. Our memories, however, are not erased, and just become hidden until we relive the moments that coincide with them. Some memories are rewritten slightly faster than we can relive them, and we get that sense of deja vu as our bodies say "Hey, I think I've seen this before!".

Crazy? Hell yes. Impossible? Most likely, but that's why it's just a theory.


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